12:27am

Okay it’s midnight and I’m wide awake.  Everything is on my mind, even trying to remember everything that I ate today…”How much Caffeine did I have, did I eat anything later in the day that had caffeine? What did I eat?”  So, without much more thoughts in the depth of child rearing and the amazing outfits worn by Jennifer Aniston in “Marley and Me”, I got out of bed to empty my busy mind with the help of this computer.

Speaking of Marley and Me, there is a part in that movie that totally expressed what I was feeling as a working/ stay at home mom.  It was that, “almost” feeling.  Your “almost” in the moment of what you’re doing at work but not quite.  Your mind still lingers on your child, what he might be doing and you ask yourself why you aren’t there with him.  Then you’re at home with your child and he is crying and has poopy diapers and on top of all the laundry and cooking and things that you would like to do with your child you think of work and what needs to be done there.  Neither place is getting your full attention, and so neither job is done as well as you know you could do it.  But which one? Child? Or work? There is day care, babysitting trading (a wonderful community idea), or there are budget cuts, lonely days, messes that make you laugh, and beauty. 

The thing about Marley and Me was that for the longest time I thought it was just me who felt that way.  Maybe, because I couldn’t help but follow in my mother’s footsteps or maybe because I was not as sober minded as other career women, I just couldn’t be proud of the job I was doing at home or at work.  Like the words I had been reaching for and couldn’t find, suddenly I was hearing them out of Jennifer Aniston’s mouth, and they brought tears to my eyes.  And just like in the movie I get to stay home, a treat I take for granted.  

Now, on the flip side, I chose to stay home when N was first born and then due to some postpartum depression went back into the work force part-part time for some scheduled (and paid) social time (small note on PPD, it's sucks and it's real. Even if you are just tired, go get some help and enjoy a long shower again because no one is winning if your dealing with this).  Once, the mood swings settled a bit, I started to get that feeling of "almost".  There was so much that I wanted to do with my job, and yet N was just starting to walk and discover.   What's a girl to do? Well, I prayed about it and boom! Steve got a new job that kept him from watching N while I was working, meaning I needed to stay home!